Sitting Shiva
When you mourn
If you are following along in the novel, we are in yet another scene of loss.
There was always more to lose and Martha never forgot it.
We were never “in charge” and control is an illusion and stupid things happen and why does it have to hurt so much?
This, from my recent therapy session. I am such a recovering Martha. As you might notice as the novel progresses.
Praise God for healing and clarity and the peace that comes with it.
In Martha’s day, the custom was to sit shiva in times of death. Shiva is the time period observed the first week after a Jewish burial, practiced as early as Jacob’s funeral in Genesis 50:1-14. Immediate family gathered to observe a week of quiet mourning. There would be no visitors. Fasting, ashes on the head, and torn garments were common signs of grief.
The deceased was washed, wrapped (not embalmed), observed, and laid to rest in the tomb on the same day, no exceptions. Whoever was laid in there the last time around was, theoretically, skeletal, and those bones would be placed reverently into a labeled, stone box inset on shelves within the tomb walls.
The fresh body laid to rest in the tomb was ritually checked on the third day. Just in case their “spirit” found a way to reenter the body…
Instead of going on a million obvious tangents, we’ll move forward to say that sloshim encompasses the first month after the burial (including the shiva week). In our novel, Talmai could not have arrived any sooner to participate in the burial rites, and Martha finds that fitting. She does not consider these northerners “close family”.
Okay, one tangent because it gives more context to mourning:
Sloshim is filled with community and hired mourners and the flow of food and condolences. If one of the major holidays occurred during this time period, it was considered over and came to a sudden end. Passover, Tabernacles, and Pentecost superseded sloshim.
As the record shows Jews from the city in tiny Bethany paying their respects on the fourth day after Lazarus is buried, they all happen to be there when Jesus pays his surprise—and dangerous—visit.
Lazarus died mid-winter near the end of Hanukkah.
So what are all of these people doing here? They are not all family. This is one of many questions I still have after all my research… Any thoughts to share?
But I’ll leave it in John 11 and let you experience it first-hand with Martha on Sunday.
I will also mention avelut: If it was your mother or father, children were granted a twelve-month mourning period and Martha was quick to seize on this and turn it to her advantage.
Moving on…
Though I am not Jewish, the wisdom of things like shabbat and shiva are not lost on me. God is in the rhythms of life and death and everything in between and I think the closer we can align with them, the richer and more meaningful our lives can become.
And lately, I’ve been sitting with my peeps through some hard, stupid, painful things. Sitting with personal grief and loss in the immediate moment.
A marriage crashing to an end.
A young family forced out of their rented home of many years.
An elderly woman navigating life as a new widow.
Adult children making choices that bring mothers to their knees.
An adult child rejected by parents.
A baby inconsolable with colic.
A breaking away from a life-long church.
A funeral for a beloved grandmother.
A cancer scare and painful tests.
A cancer diagnosis and worrisome upcoming treatment plan.
What I’m learning to understand is that I’m not being asked to fix it, as Martha’s instincts demand, or lose myself to the darkness, as Mary’s instincts insist. All I’m asked to do is just “be”. Be present. Bear witness. Sit there and hold the light.
In silence. In love. In patience. In kindness. Compassion has a place. Dare I suggest, so does humor. But always, I think Lazarus shows the best way forward.
He modeled how to listen. Observe. Create space for whatever needs to be released in this moment. Lazarus did not judge or make demands. He simply loved. He did not need the “right words”… or any words.
Job’s friends come to mind. They observed shiva then let Job have it. Not so great, that plan.
It means I have to sit on my hands and filter my words of ego. I have to get out of God’s way. It feels very vulnerable and desperately useless. But just as Lazarus was provided protection and guidance, so are we. I think that if we are willing to sit in God’s name and create space for His presence by becoming vulnerable ourselves, He covers us the way Martha and Miri did for their brother.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.
Psalm 33:20-22
This sitting is part of my walk. Knowing when to sit and when to walk still trips me up sometimes. But I am getting a lot of practice lately. Trying to get comfortable with discomfort. Remain calm amidst chaos. Trusting in the face of fear. Inviting healing and peace—even during shiva.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Go with God, my friends.